Sakit Jiwa

i decided to see my family doctor over the weekend. although my blood pressure remained slightly high, i’m happy to learn that it has reduced. because he’s my regular physician, i find it effortless to confide. he confirmed my suspicions. i was indeed mentally and emotionally unwell. the physical pain is only a by-product of what’s actually eating me up inside.

we talked, discussed and he suggested remedies. whenever he hit a raw nerve in me, i guffawed nervously.  i was impressed and extremely amazed at his diagnosis.

finally, he shook his head and looked at me, gravely concerned. “i know you too well, L. i’ve seen you through different phases of your life and this is definitely not the real you. we have to do something about this.”

i felt deeply touched. it’s heartwarming to hear him say that blatantly. i had to fight back angry tears. why did i allow myself to be reduced into a mush? indeed this is not the real me. i’ve always been in control. how did i fall off my horse? why am i finding it hard to get back on? i should be like the phoenix, rising from the ashes. not frustrated, depressed and moping around like some boneless weakling! leave whatever doesn’t concern me and go with the flow. let nature take its own course. what will be, will be.

okie dokie,  i’ve started on proper medications now. top of the list, Dr Fong prescribed some relaxant to bring down the blood pressure. will be seeing him again in a month’s time for a review. hopefully with that in check, the rest will follow suit – nicely. insyaa allaah.

The Higher You Climb…

everyday is a learning process for me. everyday i make mistakes. what do i get out of them? reflections… but most of the time purely headache. oh yes. until one day MR pointed out…

 ”you know what’s the problem with you, L? the problem with you is you think too much.”

guess what? D has been harping on the same thing too. haha! it’s a no-brainer. i’m a compulsive worry-wort. my problem is i overthink things. that’s why i get easily agitated. that’s why i had elevated blood pressure. and that’s why i constantly am plagued with painful migraines varying from different intensity.

T, my co-worker said the same thing too. “apa mahu stress. rilekkkk saja lah. senyum selalu.” that thambi sounded truly like a colgate advert with his broad pearlie whites!

frankly speaking, i am thankful for these bunch of lovelies who never cease to remind me to see the lighter side of things at the playground. everyone has their days but mine seem to be at the drop of a hat! note to self – i.must.learn.to.take.things.easy.

Crappy Fun

 

Liana took the Which Singaporean Elite School Do You Belong To? quiz.

And the result is Raffles Girls School.

 

You are smart and motivated. In fact, you’ve been motivated since you were in nursery school. Sometimes, you wish you can unleash your inner being (either the rebellious ah lian or the slutty-party animal). You tend to giggle a little too much. You want to do everything because you feel that you are expected to do everything. In your quiet moments, you think “How did I become so lucky”?

 

righttttt…. hmmm….

Falling

i haven’t been paying much attention to my health lately. up till a few weeks ago when i started having chest pains and erratic breathing. i thought, much of the wheezing was due to the incessant cough that never did go away for good.

made my way down to the doctor’s early friday morning and was stunned to discover that my blood pressure read 141/92. i suspected that was high otherwise the nurse wouldn’t be insisting that i get hooked up to their ECG machine for any cardio abnormality. at the end of 20 minutes… alhamdulillaah, nothing major. left the polyclinic with a bunch of throat-gagging medication. *bleargh*

okay… i know i was supposed to rest or at least try to but since i had some time to kill, i took Scarlet out for her yearly inspection at Vicom Yishun and drove around after that. i had a good day out with great company. *erhem*

in the evening peak hour rush, i took my own sweet time making my way home in snail’s pace. lucky me, Colbie Caillat’s Falling For You came on air and effortlessly melted the traffic blues away - perfect day.

   

Di Sebalik Yang Jernih

life is a huge rollercoaster ride, no? at times, you are up and up, top of the world. while other days you hit rock bottom. six feet under, yes? i assume that’s a norm. selagi yang dinama manusia, pasti akan merasa. betul tak? as i’m typing this, i’m feeling  slightly disoriented. unsure if it was because of the late night i had or the fact that i have to beat the clock. i am doing my best to go with the flow today. i know things will get better and this dark cloud will soon past. for now, i am enormously soothed by Amuk’s - Jernih.

thank you. senikata munusuk kalbu abisssss…

 

 Jernih yang dari mata airmu
Sebening salju telaga rindu
Di lembah gunung rimba kencana
Mengalir ia tanpa henti

 Bersaksikan kejora alam keriangan
Titis embun dingin ke bumi
Mekarlah rumpun hijau disirami kasih
Yang sejati penuh budi
Jernih salju bak syurgawi
Jadi pohon rimbun sampai akhir nanti

Di sebalik yang jernih tersimpul rahsia
Laluan yang penuh likuan
Cuma yang kelihatan
Satu keindahan yang dipuja
Menjadi ilham para pencinta
Teroka kalam tanpa batasan
Menjadi cermin imbas berwajah
Seikhlas budi yang teguh berdiri

Bak air mengalir yang penuh halangan
Itu bukannya satu alasan
Di situ tersirat sebuah hakikat
Yang kelam jadi terang
Yang luka jadikan terubat
Keegoaan tersembunyi
Di lubuk hati suci…
Dan jernih…
(Dan mulus)

 

If This Isn’t Love…

i was commuting on the train this morning when i heard this on air. amidst everything that i was feeling from last night, funny thing was this unexpectedly struck a chord in me. it made me feel all warm, fuzzy and tingly. a great way to start the day i reckon.

 

I’m calling his phone up just to tell him how much
I really love him cause he’s everything I want
He listens to me, cares for me
So I truly believe

God sent me an angel up from above
That’s gonna love me for life
Might as well be perfect
Only because it’s the only way
I can describe and say

If this isn’t love
See what it is, is like I’d be dreaming and just plain crazy

If this isn’t love
See what it is, cause I never felt like this baby

If this isn’t love

L-o-v-e what is (in) me?
L-o-v-e Oh…
If this isn’t love

I’m selfish cause I don’t wanna share
Him, with nobody not even those
People that came before me
But see I never believe.

God sent me an angel up from above
That’s gonna love me for life
Might as well be perfect
Only because it’s the only way
I can describe and say

So if you got real love
Let me see you put your hands up
See you put your hands up
The kind of love that fits
Tight like a glove

Let me see you put your hands up
See you put your hands up, if this isn’t love
Cause I know I ain’t crazy
I know I ain’t trippin
I know I ain’t sleeping
I know that it’s love
See me with my hands up
If you think I’m dreaming
I know I ain’t dreaming
Cause this reason maybe
And I know what is love
If this isn’t love…
~jen hudson~

 

Inner Peace

BD came to straighten things. she kneaded my knots away. the last few sessions were nothing like what i used to. they used to be enjoyable and relaxing but nowadays, they lean more towards excrutiating! i could still feel the bumps on my legs and arms. coupled with a nasal block and inflamed tonsils, the discomfort heightened. i’m surviving on painkillers. the head feels like exploding everytime i cough. the throat itches like mad. i swear, at times, i could taste a tinge of sweet blood mixed with saliva.

“makan ubat… jangan jadi perhiasan pulak”

LOL! well-said, indeed. i hate taking medicine. not only they leave an awful aftertaste, they make me extremely nauseous. plus, i hate lying in bed all day cooped up at home. i can literally feel the whole body shutting down. someone said, it might actually stem from a manifestation of my emotional well-being. sick mind, sick body. bobal macam doktor… 

before BU flew back to sydney, we hugged and her parting words to me were to take it easy. i don’t know how she does it but she’s always spot on.

D, my sweet man, being his usual overprotective self is constantly my Mr Fix-It. he’s always the first to jump in front of me in the face of danger. he shields me from every little thing that carries potential hazard. one time, i asked if his day was good and wished it was better than mine. his simple reply blew me away. my ibu was right all along. she said, marry the person that loves you, not the one that you love. i dont know if it makes any sense to anyone but after 15 years in a long term relationship, i finally understood what she meant.  

Your soul is oftentimes a battlefield, upon which your reason and your judgment wage war against your passion and your appetite. – Kahlil Gibran